awful

I feel awful and honestly I'm not sure why..... Well we fought today- it was the worst one yet i think, he is stressed and i am stressed, he gets mad and i get madder... half the time, its not because of me at all..I feel like shit and cannot get this off my mind, what he said- even though i know now after he never meant it and i believe him absolutely however; i still feel bad...for whatever reason, shiity never the less..i keep thinking these what if's but then i feel even worse thinking about it all more..I'm happy yes, but i dont feel like me any longer and its crappy because i dont know where she went or what it may take to get her back. I'm talking like she's isn't me or is foreign outside of me- which is how this feels. i am in school which is where i want to be, but somewhere along the lines- something changed or something came back. i'm more offensive now and don't take shit anymore- i feel like i digressed to about a year or two ago. i dont want to ever be that whore again. it feels awful.

baby?

What is wrong with me? I just got married, I'm happy and having the time of my life being a wife- doing as I should, but still something feels missing... a baby. Sean and I have talked and no matter how many times we do, its always the same, i agree and disagree about providing the best for our child to come, but im so anxious and it seriously gets me so depressed and upset most of the time. i'm sitting up right now not even in bed with my husband where i should be because this bothers me so much. after a conversation with my mom today about kids and waiting longer, shes on his page and im just not. but of course i want to be smart but waiting really super sucks. it always seems i get one thing then want the next. man oh man im really bummed on the verge of tears.... i know it'll be great when it happens i just wish it were able to be sooner than later...... we dont get what i want....:( tear* ttyl i guess:/
nora s wifey~

what do i even try? goshhh

Blah- this feels kinda shitty, to try to reach out to someone, in this case, an ex. And seriously get nothing back for no reason, I don't get it, I'm married-it'd take the pressure off, right? UGHHHH its so frustrating. all i want is to be friends and i can't even get that, doubtful if it'll ever happen. but i have to remember to cherish what i have now- not then. he saved me, he loves me, we're all each other has...
i just miss the memories and the pictures and the friend i once had.:( i love that letter and the song, makes me feel really wanted again, it just feels old and different... makes me wanna cry but i can't and i feel like i can't talk to Sean about it, because its an ex situation.... gosh i hate this. i hope Amanda turns him around. I'd really like if that happened.

- but don't we all know, nothing is perfect, not even in "fairy-tales"....................
mood: bummed and sad, reminiscing... BLAH!
<3>

the fairytale & they lived happily ever after

We met through Ashley Trickel- one rainy day afternoon when I was sick of my ex and wanted to get out and have a girls day:) So Ashley brought along Sean, , and Ashley's bf Paul was coming too. We decided to go to Powell's Books downtown, Ashley had to get a few things and I figured I could too or at least spend time with Sean and flirt a little. I started to talk to Sean and walk around alone with him and tell Ashley that I was interested in him. So after Powell's we came back to my place but by that time it was later and we ate at McDonalds by the dorms. When we walked into McDonalds'- I couldn't think of anything except how bad I wanted Sean, seriously. So I accidentally blurted out how I wanted to take him home and show him the time of his life or something like that, then stupidly realized that I said it out loud and turned bright red, laughed my butt off then was throughly embarrassed. We talked alone and laughed our asses off over Ashley and Paul's undisguised attempt to leave us alone for a smoke break:) So then after an offer or your place or mine, I decided to stay home after I knew I had school the next day:( Had I gone that night, sadly I think it would have turned to a one night stand, I wouldn't have wanted a real relationship. After all, I was ending another one at the same time. But a few days later it did turn out, we hung out and talked all day and after a day or so i found myself falling faster than I ever have before, never wanting him to leave my side and talking all night until I dropped the phone from exhaustion.

We dated an excellent 9 months before I honestly knew he was the one. We had just known for awhile it was gonna be a forever thing. We saved each other from the doom that we wished to escape with each others' help. He was all I needed and wanted and so much more. On July 10th 2009, he proposed and I said yes! We told our parents after some slight reservations they agreed and knew it'd happen sooner or later, but assumed a little later than 9 months. SURPRISE!~ So as we decided what to do with our lives, we discussed the Army and what great benefits it would have for us and what to do about a wedding with the Army and no benefits. So surprise again, it became a six week wedding after only a month longer, we started planning on Aug 10th or so.

After we moved to Gresham by Mt Hood CC, we decided to start attending church at BSLC and see if that would be the right place for me to enter more seriously into Christianity and once we married I would be a member. After planning for six weeks, we had a cake from Fred Meyers, our colors were pronouced, Turquoise, White, Silver and Black and we had rings, table decorations, cheaper bridesmaid dresses, flowergirl dresses, we made by hand our invites and registered at Target, we had made programs the morning of and my dress had finally been finished along with getting all the men's suits and shoes and slacks and ties in order and in accordance, matching or how so. Everything was done, we had silk arrangements, we had a guest book and food, everything had turned out just perfectly. Our day arrived and well, go see the pictures or comment on your expereince if you were there:) i love you all.


So we finally did it! It happened for real, we are almost one month MARRIED!:) Mr and Mrs Spaulding~<3 wow. well so things are great, I have been really sick and now hubby is too:( weather is getting really cold, school is good although I might be behind a bit by now... I miss daddy and wish he were there for our big day. It was amazing- exactly how I had pictured my day all my life, except different colors, but in the end I loved it and it was all I wished and hoped it'd be. I think Sean really loved how everything turned out as well. Sean lost his job with Decaprio security after a case of fraud on the owners part, but because of it got a better job on site being a groundskeeper. better pay and benefits after 90 days:] things are good now, tight for awhile to catch up on bills and paying off bank debt but everything else is good. We still have Lexie, some days she is a pill and some days we love her like a daughter, but pets are like children, so treat them as such... she's our princess....<3 so i got my fairytale wedding after all and the happy ending:] thanks to all those who participated and wished us well for and after our wedding. we love you all thank you so very much!

Start of Mrs. Spaulding:)

Ah, hello again, life returns a few months later....."i run to you" reminds me of how my life will be once I am Mrs. Spaulding. he may not always be here but he's always here for me and thats why i love him so dearly. It will be about three weeks away this weekend.. that is sooo fast and I'm so ready!:) I am soo ready to be married to this man. I have given him my all and if we can turn this world around then it will be sooo worth it. I don't ever want to lose this man to anything or anyone- jealous old me knew that one. His parents are already mine and treat me as such, this life is making us learn and be thankful for what we have... we both needed that. I am anxiously awaiting my finished dress from alterations on Sept 4th.- so excited:) ahhh! We have decided not to have a rehearsal dinner, we can't afford it, no biggie, just dinner:/ oh well. But I'm ecstatic to marry him and do this all as traditionally as I can, which means maybe just staying away from him the night before:) His mom is doing flowers and church decorations and I'm sure it will be beautiful!:) Pastor Pete is great and will be a great mediator to our wedding, our voice to God.

I guess it shouldn't really matter anymore. I guess I really shouldn't care- then why do I still?I am so caught up and confused, twisted used up and dazed in love and loss. Why does this happen why did I have to expect what I did? If I got a new boyfriend, how is he not entitled to his own..... but he's not. and I hate that, I hate him for hating me and for making me feel the way I do and the ways I did before. I miss some memories yes, but honestly the good ones= who wouldn't? I can't blame myself for feeling this way or thinking about it so much. I love Sean I absolutely do- then why do I catch myself thinking of OLD memories... I wish them to go away but I still feel I can't escape what I've done, gone thru and who I've been with.i just miss memories.. i hate her for being with him- well oh well, let him go fuck his little china doll and I'll be happy here with the one I love most, who treats me best and consoles me like no one else, makes me feel safe, loved and secure. I love him with all my heart.... i will never doubt that!

When my mightmares come to haunt me

So a lot has happened recently and I really don't know where to start.... Well it really mostly happened last night while I was watching the news-I saw a headline about a sex club coming to downtown Portland. Well it freaked me out for one but I never thought it'd bring back one of my worst nightmares. The whole story was that it was a swingers club- nothing new to this area... we have gay clubs, strip clubs and all kinds of sexual fantasies lived out in a small area of downtown where basically anything is possible sexually. BUT, I started to watch the segment of the news and I saw him, I saw the man who a year and nine months ago hurt me- he, uhm, molested me. I cannot get over this fact and it's really starting to affect me- there is no way to just get over it and forget about it. Which is how I feel he wants me to handle it but I just cannot do that. This man, he shall remain nameless but I found out what his name was... and well, I still cannot report him. He has multiple clubs in the area and has a twisted sense of this act of "swinging"- that its okay and there is nothing wrong with it- when there is everything wrong with it! I cannot stand that he is alive let alone around still and still doing and becoming more properous than he was before when I knew him. The backstory is that I attended one of these so called "swinging clubs" a year ago on my birthday- I got somewhat addicted and well, things got out of hand, before I knew it I had been going there for three months and terrible things had happened. I regretted everything I did and said and done with someone else. I needed to put it behind me and well when I thought I did- I never could, by seeing him on the news it aparked something in me that became a monster again and it tore me to pieces. I miss those days sometimes, when I just wanna be free and stupid but I know that's the wrong thing to do... So how does one get rid of nightmares without confronting them head or face on?> This was just tearing me up inside, i have gone to counseling- I'm past that now and I just don't know how to start from here, from now, in this present moment, better than it has been in quite a while.